You can be upset, but you don’t have to be – reflections on control
This blog is dedicated to my sister and my rock, Laura, and anyone affected by fire.
On February 14th, 2017, a little more than a year after our fire, I jotted down these words quickly in a notebook.
Here is what people don’t get about a fire. You have lost all control over your life. It is being dictated by a force of nature that unless you have experienced it you don’t and can’t understand. And every day you do everything you can to have just a little control over your life….
When an event occurs outside of our control, whether a storm, health event, or job loss, we wrestle with gaining a degree of control back in our lives. How can we feel any control when we are so completely devastated? Chances are, we won’t feel any control for a while. The feeling may ebb and flow. What was helpful for me was to follow the advice that has been around for years. Focus on what we can control and not on what we can’t control. Was I always successful? No. Relying on others and asking for help was key.
Below I share what I chose to focus on that was in my control.
- My family
My family and their well-being came first. We focused on each other and the love we share. I never doubted we would get through this challenge, or any other, together.
- Taking physical care of myself
I could not take care of anyone else or anything else if I did not take care of myself. Eating, sleeping, resting, and going to the doctor when necessary. I went to the dentist and annual checkups. My health was key to moving through the next several years.
- Acknowledgement that I am human, NOT superhuman
I gathered a team around me. I welcomed help from our restoration team, our insurance agent, our adjuster, a conversation with a family friend who is an attorney, and additional friends, family, and coworkers. I let people know our needs because we were emotionally in survival mode. To be honest, I did not always know what I needed. The first night the bartenders at the Holiday Inn poured us a good stiff drink. They made sure we ate. We accepted their gift of nourishment. As time went on, I let people know when we needed sleep, family time, or alone time.
- Acknowledgement of my emotions
Maybe I could not always deal with the emotions that came over me like a giant wave and had to set them aside for later, but I acknowledged and honored my emotions and what they were telling me.
- Practicing kindness and gratitude
While my sister was my rock throughout, our restoration team was key to rebuilding our lives. My belief is that people can do things for you or in spite of you. The choice is ours. We had the best group of people we could have ever asked for to help us rebuild. In the end, not only did they put our home back together, they put me back together, piece by piece. For this I will always be grateful. This does not mean I did not speak up if something was going wrong; of course, I did. There were all kinds of emotions, but treating others with kindness was in my control. Accepting the kindness of others and expressing gratitude was also in my control.
- Listening and learning
Listening to the words of our adjuster and restoration team and honoring their expertise was vital. Our adjuster’s comment that we would be working together closely for quite a while was tucked away in my head instantly. I wondered what that meant but did not really want to know at the time. I had the inkling he was trying to tell me this process was a marathon and not a sprint. I found out it meant that it would take over three years of working together to complete the restoration of our home and personal property. His steadiness and knowledge of the process was key to helping me learn and navigate this challenging time. Listening to the cue’s others gave us were reassuring that they had the experience to know how the process worked, and that they were the right guides on this journey.
- Involvement in the rebuild of our home and our lives
I was heavily involved in this process. For others, the extent I was involved may be too much for a variety of reasons. I found that making the decision how much or how little was right for me was helpful. Every family member will feel differently. There is no right or wrong.
- You can be upset, but you don’t have to be
These were words of advice from our restoration superintendent when I called to let him know the floor guys walked off the job one morning. I was a wee bit upset. I had meticulously designed the tile rug entrance, and the subcontractors were back to rework the floor after the original installation was off center. They were also scheduled to lay a carpet runner, which was not bound – again. When I inquired on the rug’s whereabouts, one guy just became mad and walked off the job. Everything went a bit south when the second guy blamed the superintendent for not having the carpeting. Placing the blame on someone else, especially the person who was putting our home back together, was my tipping point. And I was pretty sure I was the customer in this situation. This caused me to call them out on the carpet for not taking accountability for their work or their word. Walking off the job showed their lack of integrity, but it was also a gift. In the end, the floor and carpet were finished by better skilled people, and I learned that being upset, or not, was in my control. I could be upset, but I did not have to be. That choice was mine. The words are not always easy to put into practice, but comforting to me.
- Watched the Cleveland Cavaliers
My point here is to do something fun that will take your mind off your troubles. Watching a team play hard and work hard for our city was exciting. Watching Cleveland’s soon to be 2016 Champions was fun for me and a bonding activity with my sister and son. Yes, life is hard at times, but we can choose to live in the moment and take a break from our worries.
Copyright 2020 Lisa Jilbert
#gocavs #blessingsofafire
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